Psychiatry
by Be Summer Rain
Summary: A license to ask all sort of nosy questions.


_Psychiatry_

A/N: This is a satire, so please don't take it too seriously.

……

Dr. Huang attempted to keep his gaze neutral when Captain Cragen announced that all the detectives would be talking to him. Again.

……

"Fine," said Elliot, walking through his door and dropping his coat on the floor. "Let's get this over with."

"You're feeling angry, aren't you," said Huang.

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "This is what they pay you for?"

"Yes…and how does that make you feel?"

"Overworked and underpaid," Elliot grumbled.

"Why don't you have a seat," Huang suggested in the calm tone he had so perfected over the years.

Elliot dropped suspiciously into his seat. "So."

"So," agreed Huang. "I see here in your file that your wife recently left you."

"That's correct."

"How do you feel about that?"

Elliot shrugged. "It's a peculiar thing, but I don't really care that much. I suppose I never really loved her anyway."

Huang's expression belied his shock. "That's an unusual reaction. Why don't you elaborate on that?"

"I only have this uncontrollable rage 'cause I miss my kids. With Kathy gone, that gives me license to…um…behave in perfectly appropriate behaviours with my coworkers."

……

"Hello, Olivia," he said as the detective walked through his door.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Eh, I'm all right, I suppose."

"Just all right?" he asked.

"Yeah…it's just…well, this'll sound silly," she said, looking down at her hands.

"Of course it won't," he said kindly.

"I…I…I'm in love with two different people," she said, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

"I see," he said, leaning forward in his chair. "When did you realize this?"

"I don't know," said Olivia, now furiously red. "It's the oddest thing, and I don't really understand it, but I just feel…"

"How do you feel?"

"Like I can't help it! Like some cosmic forces in the sky are making this be! And it doesn't even make sense."

"Why not?" he asked calmly.

"Well…one of them is…er…Alex," she said, wincing a little. "Even though I've always dated guys and have never shown the slightest romantic interest in the other direction…"

"But you cried when she left, didn't you?"

She looked at him sharply. "How did you know that?"

"I'm a psychiatrist," he said simply. "I know everything."

"Oh. Well," she continued, "everyone was upset! And we were friends, of course;

wouldn't you cry? Never mind," she continued, "I don't think you'd understand either."

"Let's move on then," said Huang, remembering that you should always let the patient guide the conversation. "What about the other person?" Oh, he loved being a psychiatrist; it was a license to ask all sorts of nosy questions.

"I'm not allowed to," she mumbled.

"Not allowed to?"

"Right."

"This is perfectly confidential, you know," he told her.

She fidgeted. "Elliot."

"Well, duh," said Huang, who couldn't help himself.

She stared at him. "Excuse me?"

He sighed. "I apologize. It's just been so obvious –"

"Not to me," she said furiously. "I just get these flashes…"

"Flashes?" asked Huang, mentally listing off all the disorders "flashes" were a symptom of.

"Yeah," she said, clearly uncomfortable. "And I don't know where they come from, I just see us in, um, compromising positions, in the weirdest places…"

"What sort of places?" Yep, psychiatry was definitely the career for him.

"Er," she said, wondering if his medical license covered this, "our desks…the interrogation room…Cragen's office," she finished, burying her flaming cheeks in her hands.

"I see," said Huang, and he certainly did.

……

"Casey?" he asked curiously, seeing the redhead enter his office hesitantly. "Since when does the shrink requirement extend to lawyers?"

She blushed, matching her hair nicely. "I just thought I'd come in…see if I've got my head on straight."

He almost made the comment that it did seem to be listing slightly to the left, but simply said, "Why don't you have a seat. Now, what's this all about?"

"I guess I'm just feeling…guilty, I suppose."

"About what?"

"Well…you know Alex?"

You'd better believe he did. "Yes," he said, blinking at her innocently.

"I shouldn't be jealous of her, should I."

"You can't help how you feel, Casey," he said kindly. God knows he couldn't.

"But she's dead, for all intents and purposes. And everyone liked her better. Even people I don't _know _liked her better!"

"Now, that's not true, Casey."

"It _is_. And she had better hair, too."

He was beginning to suspect that she had only come in to have a whine-fest at his expense. "Of course she didn't. You have perfectly lovely red…ish…blonde-ish hair."

She brightened. "You think so?"

"Of course," he said.

"But," she said, deflating again, "I still feel really self-conscious. Like everyone's laughing at me. I mean, there's nothing inherantly_ wrong_ with green and purple together, is there?"

……

He was beginning to think that perhaps it would be worth the time and expense to install a revolving door when Kathy Stabler walked in.

"Dr. Huang?" she asked, knocking lightly on the doorway as she entered.

"Yes," he said. "You're Kathy…um…you're Kathy, right?"

"Right," she said, sitting down. "I'm sorry to barge in on you like this; I hope it's all right…"

"Certainly," he said agreeably. "What's on your mind?"

"My self-esteem is in the toilet," she sighed. "It suddenly seems like the whole world is out to get me, and I don't know why! It was bad enough before I left Elliot…people giving me dirty looks and implying that I was really an awful person who would hit my own children if given the chance…but now I just feel like this awful bitch for no good reason!"

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you," said Huang wisely. "It makes it easier for some people to justify certain…entirely appropriate behaviors between co-workers."

"Is he cheating on me?" she shrieked. "I _knew it!"_

_……_

"How'd they all go?" Cragen wanted to know.

"Pretty well," said Huang evasively. "Considering."

"Great," said Cragen, not listening. "Listen, I was wondering…I've been having these weird flashes…"

Before Cragen launched into his story, Dr. Huang briefly wondered if it was too late for a career change. He'd heard writing could be very fulfilling.

(the end)


End file.
